10,000 Aidans and 1 Poor Kid Named Marlboro

My husband and I are in the process of adopting a baby boy from Guatemala ; so baby names have been atop the list of conversation around our home.

I will admit Scott and I have a penchant for “non-traditional” baby names. As most of you know, our daughter's name is Sloan and we have decided to name our son Dodge, which is typically met with “You mean as in Dodge-ball?” or “Like hemi?” Given the non-conformist (notice the euphemism) monikers with which we have adorned our children, I typically feel I would be entering a glass house situation were I to criticize other choices for uncommon names. In researching baby names, however, I think there are a few names even I am justified to mock.

I have seen the following names on a myriad of baby-name blogs: 43 girls named Unique, Daiquiri, Hunnie Bee, Shimbob, Daffy-D and one sad little soul named Marlboro. Can you imagine an investment banker named Daffy-D, or a neurosurgeon named Marlboro? I can see the headline now, “Winner of the Nobel Prize for excellence in science, Hunnie Bee Smith.”

Strange, and let's face it, cruel baby names are not an ailment strictly confined to the current reproductive generation. In my mom's Nebraska home town, approximately forty years ago, an obviously rural woman gave birth to twins. The little girl, the luckier of the two, was named Candy Sue, the little boy, destined for a life of impotence and violence toward women, was given the handle Dandy Lou. That same town had a banker, no kidding, named Harry Butts; maybe it was something in the water.

We have all felt sympathy for the Zappa kids; Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet, and Diva Muffin; we have pitied poor Apple Paltrow, princess of the fruit bowl, and just been incredulous at Keith Richards' little bundle of weeds, Dandelion. The thing that sets these kids apart, is that they have more money at the time they're born, than most of us will see in our entire lifetime. These kids have enough money to pay people not to harass them. It's like the difference between eccentric and crazy; if you're rich and you talk to your shoes, you're eccentric, if you can't afford a postage stamp, you're crazy. Of course, no matter how much money you have, how do you explain to your child why you named them Orange Jello or Fishstick?

Here is the silver lining for today's column: with the advent of the internet, we have a whole new demographic of people at whom we can laugh; second of all, with names out there like Luke Skywalker and Yoda Marie, I feel better about my choices of Sloan and Dodge; and third your future gynecologist could be named Formica Dinette – that takes the sting out of the stirrups.

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